The future

The future. Something that can never really be attained; as we can only live in the present.
Yet why does it preoccupy me so much? Why is it that this intangible thing seems to decide to come out and haunt me in the early hours of the night?
The problem with the future, from my point of view, is the uncertainty of it all. That no matter how well you plan your escape into the adult world, you have to let the world move forward as it sees fit. That is what bothers me the most. Because, being who I am, I already have a very detailed idea of what I WANT my future to be. I just wish we could get the future without having to give up things. Or having to face all the uknown...
SIGH...

xoxoxo,
Loulou

Apparently I'm doing this again...

Reaching a boiling point

I think I have found the limit of how much I can be myself around my friends while notfeeling out of place or awkward. There is always that one time when I cant even feel or think like myself because I feel like it is all too much for them. And the hardest part is that, there are different limits for different people.  I mean, it's never just  the same. I always have to be on my toes to make sure I don't step over a line, so that I don't risk being barked at, or ignored. I think that is the worst part. Being ignored by people you care about, and people who usually care about you. The solitude you feel while still being surounded by a multitide of faces is almost surreal, yet no one can deny it isn't present. The cold feeling you get in a warm room. The despair you feel when they are just a little out of reach, just a few centimeters too far. My actions seem to cause that. Recently, I have been noticing a decline in interest in topics that, up until that point, had kept everyone talking. We would converse, share opinions, basically communicate in everyway human beings can. So why is it that now, I find these conversations to be less free and safe, and more about having to choose my words carefully, in the hope that no one misinterprets what I am trying to say? When did the joy of company leave, only to be replaced by a judging stare, and a vacant smile when topics are just too boring? Thinking back, it almost seems like they were always there. They just seem much more present now. They almost seem to be taking over her entire being, not to mention mine. Watching her take someone aside from our general conversation to talk about something that she feels she has to share away from my ears honestly hurts a little. Whenever we are four, i always have someone to fall back onto when she starts pairing up. But once that number is reduced to three, I am reduced to simply following behind while they chatter away, secretly, yet in front of me.
The problem with all this is, I can no longer be myself. I have gotten to a point where I feel like she has to introduce a subject sometimes in order for me to be able to talk about it. What used to be free banter is a constant battle against myself to keep my cool and not go overboard with my stories and facts to share. Maybe I should have seen the signs. Maybe I have always been this annoying person, and she has just gotten so tired of it that she can no longer pretend. But, maybe she has just changed her mind a little, and no longer thinks the same of me. I would never wish to give her up as a friend, because she is a good friend, and when looking back, I see many happy memories with her. But, she still manages to make me feel excluded in a place that I called home. Within my friend group, I felt safe and free to be myself, something that seems to be quickly dissapearing from my grasp...

xoxoxo,
loulou

500 words later...

So I'm done. I have written my essay. It's about creativity, if anyone was curious. And that's that. I dont even want to look at it with a critical eye anymore because I am sure that ill end up chaning it and that is never good. At least not for me. Im the kind of person who changes their answer on a T/F question only to find their first answer was correct. Anyways, thats it. 500 words. Exactly too. I didnt think I could do it. Write about myself meaningfully in 250-500 words. Yet there they are. 500 words that i wrote in 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes for my first draft. Because that is all the is required according to my teacher. She said that the thruth is shown most when people are under pressure. And she said that we should think of a question to answer, then pretend that it was an essay question in the SAT Tests. and so I did just that. I went home and I turned on the stopwatch and I gave myself twenty minutes and then I wrote about Creativity. For 20 minutes i let my mind take control of my hands. And the result was a 518 word essay. Which with a little editing and cutting became a 500 word essay. And i dont even know what to think. But I'm done. And what a relief that is. I just have to wait for feedback from my teacher and then ill be over this. For about a year. Because god know college essays will come back to haunt me. They will until the day i recieve a letter telling me that mine was good enough. And who knows what'll have changed when that day comes, if it does. All i wanted to say was that I am so happy it is over. And i am so happy it took me 20 minutes. Because any more time would have been time wasted on ruining something that was as good and as truthful as it got. And honestly this post makes no sense but I am stuck in writing mode and I just felt like blogging. Hope i haven't bored anyone. Love you all

xoxoxo,
loulou

The Future, filled with uncertainty, is honestly just really scaring me.

So Im sitting here reading my samples for different college essay, and honestly, I am freaking out a little. I mean, I don’t have to apply for another two and a half to three years. And we are learning to write our college essays now. I can’t shake this scared feeling. Honestly I am probably over reacting. But I mean really, what makes the difference between being accepted and being rejected? This little 250-500 word essay that can be about anything, anything at all. I know there are questionnaires, and grades, and application forms. But from what my teacher was telling me yesterday, this is the most important part. It gives a chance to the administrators to see you for what you truly are, and you have 500 words to paint a picture of yourself. What if that isn’t enough? What if you need 1000 words to paint your picture? What if I can’t paint one at all? I have always enjoyed writing, and dare I say it, been proud of it, at least in school terms. So then why is it that this short essay scares me? Could it be the nature of the essay? These essays are all about truth, understanding what we really are inside. Yet I have always found it much easier to write fiction. I guess this is where blogging comes in handy. 

*Wow. I hadn’t yet posted this and it has now been almost a full day. I can honestly say it felt really good to get this off my chest.

xoxoxo

loulou 

Speeches.

Currently practicing my speech. Well I should but I can't bring myself to try and convince others that the performing arts are vital to any school society when I realise that today, I experienced my last Advanced Drama performace course. I swear a small part of me has died. I do not enjoy the lack of acting, but the alternative, being Intro to Theatre as assitant director, is not bad at all. I think its just the fact that my mindset has changed and my outlook on theatre is still the same. Theatre is still the blood in my veins, singing is the air in my lungs. (And just FYI, Darren is the spark in my heart while Chris is my creative thought and Adam is my psychology.) But it all seems different now, because I can not continue to do it. I already regret quitting Choir a few years ago to take up Clarinet lessons, and now I have to give up on my acting classes. And this isnt even my choice. At least I still have drama to look forward to. But I am sure it is gonna be fine. I really should practice my speech though.
Xoxoxo,
Loulou

Little symbols go a long way

Well, this is strange. It's only been five days and I'm blogging again! I guess I really can't stay away. Currently sitting here, Darren criss cross on my bed, surrounded by numerous posters, pictures, drawings and symbols for Darren. And I can't help but think about symbols. I mean, seeing as I enjoy writing I try to add symbols in my writing but boy is it hard to come up with good ones. And the problem is that currently my eyes are a little watery from the song that has decided to resonate within my ears. But this is not very new. Well I have kinda lost where this post was going. As you can see I am still very good at blogging... Right, symbols. They are everywhere and are open to interpretation. They can represent anything and they can BE anything. So then I wonder to myself is it normal that the little minute maid apple juice box that is taped to my wall makes me happy. Most people would say no. But most people aren't me. I am me. And I have decided that the carton of juice will make me happy. And I think that these little symbols go a long way. I swear this box has the power to cheer me up, and that is all I need right now. I don't even think this counts as a post, and I swear it sucks. But it gets my point across so yeah. Bye guys. Xoxoxo Loulou

Wow, 2012 already

I can't believe I haven't posted in over two months... I kinda feel bad. I used to love blogging. I guess things change. What's weird is that I still enjoy it. I guess just not as much. But I have decided to keep this blog, to use it whenever I want to, or whenever I need to. To vent, like now. Because I'm pretty sure no one cares, and that is totally fine by me, but today my idol, Darren criss, is making his broadway debut. And I have been freaking out. And I will admit that I have cried over 5 times today. Maybe even 10 times. All because of one amazing man making his dreams come true. So here is my venting: Okay well in one hour and twenty minutes Darren Criss is on broadway ... I can't right now... You do not know how many times I have cried today. Like I know sometimes we joke about like hating Darren cause he is perfect and everything but...... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I mean sometimes it physically pains me. After I saw the video he posted about being backstage I felt uneasy. Like I had physical pains to my stomach. They were like butterflies in my stomach, but the butterflies were carrying little knifes that they enjoyed cutting me with. Now I kinda need a picture of a butterfly with a knife. And now Darren is about to cry into my earphones because teenage dream just means so much to him. Like he means so much to us. And I do not understand how I used to live. I mean what the hell used to make me smile? Because nothing makes me smile more than Darren. And, I am already crying, and the song has only been playing for 52 seconds. I don't not think this is normal. And his voice is already faltering. I just really need to hug someone right now, preferably Darren or Chris or you. Speaking of Chris, I really and truly love him, so very very much. But he isn't Darren. I am incredibly proud of Chris and OMG DARREN IS CRYING... But yes I am also incredibly proud of Chris but I don't know. He just hasn't inspired me as much as Darren. I mean he has made me want to write a book but you know, thats more like a side project. Whereas Darren makes me want to write music, write plays and musicals, be a goofball, love Harry potter, be myself, reach for my dreams, have no shame, not be afraid to try. Basically Darren is pushing me to be a better person. And both Darren and Chris have taught me about LGBTQ youth and how mistreated they are, because I was never really exposed to this. They basically introduced me to the Trevor Project. Like I had heard about it but I didn't actually know what it was. But they both showed me what it was and how amazing it is and how unfairly people are treated because of something as unimportant as their sexuality. It's like treating someone badly because of their hair or eye or skin color. (Oh wait... That also happens.... I don't like this aspect of the planet...) but anyways I guess back to Darren. I just do not understand what my life was like before him. I mean honestly. Wtf did I used to do with my life. I'm pretty sure I just sat on Facebook all day. Well I do not regret the day I decided to go onto tumblr. I do not regret the day I decided to discover more about Blaine Anderson, and eventually discover more about that Darren guy who plays him, and discover more about the theatre group that he co-founded, and more about the different plays and actors and their side projects and my whole life has been amazing since then. I swear now the littlest thing can make me happy. Like seeing the numbers 36 or 47. That shouldn't make me happy, yet it does. Seeing Darren or Chris, or even Adam for that matter, makes me happy. Speaking of Adam, I think he deserves more credit from me. He was the first celebrity I was obsessed with, I mean before Darren took over my life. I used to do what I do with darren but with Adam. Except back then I didn't have tumblr. But I would literally listen to owl city and glee all day. Now just add Darren criss and starkid onto that and you have my life in the present. No but seriously, Adam was actually probably the first person to get me hooked onto songwriting. Darren just reinforced that. Plus meeting Adam proved to me that he is genuinely a nice person and shows that there are still humble people in the world. It was honestly a great experience and I just wish it could happen. And now there is only one hour left till Darren makes his Broadway debut. I am so proud and I hope darren knows how proud all of his fans are.  It feels so good to get that off my chest! And I hope that I will remember this blog. So that maybe in 10-20 years I will go back and see what made me laugh, cry, smile... Back when I was a young and carefree teenager too busy complaining about school to know that these are probably some of the best years of all of our lives. So I leave you with a hopefully short farewell, and only 50 minutes left until Darren criss goes from YouTube sensation to Broadway star... (this should be in pink but Im on my phone) Xoxoxo, Loulou

Ramblings and Drabbles

Hi guys; I don't actually know who I am talking to now, but anyone who would like to listen is more than appreciated! Anyways I have been writing some more, and yesterday, my best friend Luca and I started writing a story where we each wrote anything between 3 sentences to a paragraph, and I am giving the internet a small preview! So for anyone out there, here it is!

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He looked back one final time before turning around and walking away. That would be the last time. The last time he would ever see him. The wind picked up as he started off down the road, his mind too busy to process what was going on. He marched with a determined pace, wanting to get away. Away from everything, nothing mattered anymore; something else was waiting for him. Something far greater and better than anything his old life could ever offer him. 

Turning the corner, his mind shut down and his instincts took over. He broke into a run, leaving this place, and his previous state of mind, far behind.
He knew what he had to do now, still running, he thought about him. Slowing down, catching his breath, looking down. It was over. Thinking back to what he had felt like before. He could still go back and- No, it was over. He had to move on. All the pain, the misery he had faced, it was all gone. Though he felt bad about leaving behind all his friends, he knew it was for the best and he had made the right decision.

He picked up his pace and soon found himself aimlessly roaming the outskirts of the town he was leaving. His mind was already on his future, the packing, the moving, the new feeling of it all. But was he ready? All that was waiting for him in the future, would it be worth it? He walked and walked as the bright day grew orangey and the afternoon light bounced off his perfectly sculpted hair and illuminated his features. The ever-present breeze was turning into quite a powerful force as his scarf was floating in midair. Hugging his coat tightly around himself, he looked up at a store window and saw his reflection. He was slightly shaking and decided he needed to get out of the autumn chill.

Pink: Leah's writing
Purple: Loulou's writing

Also, I had the honor of being called someone's best friend not that long ago. And let me tell you something. It felt really nice. (Here comes the rambling) There is a difference, at least in my mind, between you asking "Am I your best friend?" and getting yes as an answer, and having someone tell you straight out that "You are my best friend." It was just amazing to have someone say that to me for once. Because i don't know about you guys, but I could never lie while saying "You are my best friend." And it felt really nice, and i know I already said that, but I am still in my fan fiction writing mood and its beautiful and everything is Klaine and nothing hurts. Especially now that I have a best friend to write them with!! So yeah, Haters gonna hate, Klainers gonna Klaine, and I klain't even mad! And now i bid thee farewell!!!

xoxoxo,
loulou

What Leyla wastes her free time doing!

SO in the little free time I have had, I have been writting stories! Now you my think thats that is a normal human activity, but since I'm not normal I advise you to think again. Because my strories have Kurt and Blaine as Characters... So Yeah! Im not normal! But I wanna give you guys something, so here it is! For anyone who does follow Glee, it is from Season 2 Episode 18: Born this way. The "Somewhere Only We Know" (By Keane) Scene. If you guys dont know that song, listen right now. Not even the Glee version if you dont want to. It's just a beautiful song and you should listen! Alright onto the story!

Title: In that moment, they were infinite...

The bustling crowd seemed to steer clear of the group of schoolboys sitting in a corner by the large steps that led towards the tables. Most of these boys were sitting on the floor, talking about the latest blazers and cars, but one boy in particular could not rest. The wind picked up slightly, sending a shiver down his spine and seeping through his tightly gelled auburn hair. His face remained emotionless and tense as he looked from side to side, then down to his watch, them back up towards the stairs. People were beginning to murmur inaudibly, but something was definitely happening. Running his fingers nervously through his hair, the terrified leader managed to hide his fear as he turned to look at his friends with an earnest look of sadness in his glowing hazel eyes. The preppy boys all seemed to snap back into reality, as their companion’s stare seemed to drill a hole into their soul. They all got up in unison, and most of them looked fondly at the young lead, trying to comfort him without saying anything. Surrounded by his friends, he felt safe, and then he heard it.

“Kurt Hummel is back at McKinley!!” The delicate voice made its way towards the lead’s ears, and hearing it soothed his troubled soul immediately. He tensed up slightly, and then listened, but no other words were understandable. Glancing over at the boy to his right, he saw him start to walk forward. In that instant, he felt his brain go numb. He could not go on. He could not get any closer to the voice of the angel he had not yet seen. He could not take one more step because he feared for his delicate heart, his fleeting love. Yet he was not able to resist. The voice was calling to him, and he yearned to answer, needing to see those dazzling opalescent eyes once more. He caught up to the others and took the lead, grateful to be surrounded by his closest friends. He could not have done this alone. They were on the edge of the steps, and he was not facing them, but he knew they felt his gratitude, as they all prepared for their big event. Stepping slowly onto the first step, the vocalist looked longingly at a certain boy, and at that moment he felt at peace. Nothing else mattered now. He started to talk, but his words were not important. He couldn’t even tell what he was saying, he just knew that he meant it. The other boy, Kurt, suddenly felt a great pain in his chest. And once the dashing schoolboy had started singing, it only got worse.

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand.
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete.

With each phrase he took a step down, gazing at Kurt’s dazzling porcelain face, his delicate jaw bones, his astounding russet hair shimmering in the sunlight.

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

Closing in on the group of friends that surrounded the precious soul, he couldn’t bear to look at Kurt’s face, and instead focused on his dashing companions harmonizing perfectly in the background.

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

The piano came into view, and he rushed towards it, not only playing along, but using it to steady his shaking body without looking suspicious.

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know

Oh simple thing, where have you gone?
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute, why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

Oh, this could be the end of everything
So why don't we go somewhere only we know?
Somewhere only we know
Somewhere only we know

During the last chorus, the Warlers one by one filed out of the courtyard after giving Kurt the goodbye they believe he deserved. They all stood in a line now, above the shuttering lead, as he tried to keep his focus on the last few notes, holding the last word in the most melodic of whispers, ending in a low sigh. The last note rang for a while and it hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity. But it eventually faded as well, leaving just the boy, alone in a crowded space, hands trembling slightly at his side, fighting back tears yet about to accept defeat. He closed his eyes for a brief moment, trying in vain to keep his emotions inside. Then he felt a strong pair of arms wrap themselves forcefully yet delicately around him, and he let it all out. Wrapping his arms around the delicate chest, he clung onto the boys back for dear life, afraid that letting go would mean losing him.

“Blaine, that was beautiful…” The last word trailed off as Blaine could feel Kurt shivering slightly as he gave in to the tears. The warm water was caressing his cheek, but it didn’t matter at all as long as his angel was in his grasp. “I’m never saying goodbye to you.” The harmonious voice continued, before Kurt choked up and also started crying. In that moment, they seemed infinite, and Blaine realized why this boy was true perfection. Fighting back the urge to kiss him, Blaine just nuzzled his head into Kurt’s warm neck, believing that he was ready to die in Kurt’s embrace. Nothing would matter anymore as long as his strong arms were there to protect him. Yet the feeling ended much too soon as Kurt reluctantly pulled away. He took a few steps back, admiring the glistening trails of tears that were blazing on Blaine’s cheeks. Watching Kurt look at him so longingly was too much for him, and with a small but powerful nod of the head, Blaine turned around and joined his fellow vocalists, not looking back, and succumbing under the pressure of his sadness. He never even made it out of McKinley high school, as he had leant against a wall around the corner and pounded his fist in despair. But it was too late, Kurt was happy and that was all that mattered.

So why don’t we go somewhere only we know?

I really, really enjoy writing stories of all kinds! So if anyone has any suggestions I would be glad to write something for them! Doesn't have to be about Glee, it can be anything! Anyways until next time guys!

xoxoxo,

loulou

I have very many mixed feelings right now...

I am in a glass case of emotions. Or more like an Ipod full of emotions. More than usual my songs are influencing my moods and making me more or less sad... ish I guess... I just have no idea how to express my feelings, be they happy or sad. But I must be going crazy cause I have now been listening to Disney songs on repeat for the past 2 days. But you know what, it makes me happy and that should be enough for people. (Apparently I am gonna ramble about this now...)
So if you guys are still in touch with what has been happening in my boring little life, I went on a camping trip with my school last weekend! It was really fun, but not much happened. The only thing I do want to talk about is that around 1 AM in our tent on the freezing ground, my friend and I started talking. We were talking about the most stupid things, but it felt nice to talk about all this randomness and get the stupidest things off my chest. Stuff from like my friends from 5 years ago, my thoughts on moving, my thoughts on our new teachers. The stupidest things ever. Yet just talking about them made me feel happy. Just laughing silently in my tent, not worrying about anything, it made me feel very happy and it made me feel relaxed. Now this is telling you that happy thoughts will make me happy, you following pretty well so far? Well it gets harder to follow.

I was watching Glee, like always I mean no surprise there, and Somewhere Only We Know came on, and I usually tear up at the song, but seeing the scene now, and having all this extra information about season 3, I was in a very emotional state, and I was just kinda crying in my bed... Not like hardcore crying, like sobbing, but I had tears streaming down my face. The only thing was that I was smiling. And no I am not some freak that enjoys being sad, but I think that I was truly crying tears of joy. I wish I could explain to you people who may or may not care, and I wish every analysis that I have made with my friend about them I could just copy and paste onto here, but sadly I cannot. So I shall not bore you with details that you will probably not understand, but I will say this. Kurt and Blaine's relationship is not a normal one, yet it is not an impossible one to attain. It is in fact an actual human relationship, it's just that I guess most young people have not had a chance to experience it yet. Their relationship gives me hope for so many things, namely romance and acceptance. And they stand for so much more than just an adorable couple, they stand for young people all over the world. They mean so much to me, and as you know, that actors have inspired me so much, in countless ways. SO to bring this little paragraoh to an end, crying also made me feel happy. It was like unbottling all of my emotions, and I actually usually laugh until I cry, because I believe it is the best of both worlds.
But seriously, aren't they the cutest couple ever?
And I honestly don't really care what people think of my love for them. I mean, I do care that you have an opinion, but this year I really want to let others know that what they say can only affect me positively. And I think that I am done on this subject.

Now onto expressing my true self, I have Starkid to thank! They have brought out the inner fan in me and I can honestly say that I have never felt this happy overall and this excited about the littlest things! I mean I just ordered my Starkid shirt and I am dying of excitement! I mean, I feel like they could very possibly be the best friends ever! And so to conclude this pointless and not too straightforward post, I am in love with the new me; and I hope you guys are too! If not, then... yeah.

To anyone who still follows my blog, thank you so much for bearing with me in this awkward phase. I will probably post more now because I am on break but tomorrow I am on a plane all day so I shall be busy! Ill see you guys from America!!! And once again thank you guys!!

xoxoxo,
loulou