I think I have found the limit of how much I can be myself around my friends while notfeeling out of place or awkward. There is always that one time when I cant even feel or think like myself because I feel like it is all too much for them. And the hardest part is that, there are different limits for different people. I mean, it's never just the same. I always have to be on my toes to make sure I don't step over a line, so that I don't risk being barked at, or ignored. I think that is the worst part. Being ignored by people you care about, and people who usually care about you. The solitude you feel while still being surounded by a multitide of faces is almost surreal, yet no one can deny it isn't present. The cold feeling you get in a warm room. The despair you feel when they are just a little out of reach, just a few centimeters too far. My actions seem to cause that. Recently, I have been noticing a decline in interest in topics that, up until that point, had kept everyone talking. We would converse, share opinions, basically communicate in everyway human beings can. So why is it that now, I find these conversations to be less free and safe, and more about having to choose my words carefully, in the hope that no one misinterprets what I am trying to say? When did the joy of company leave, only to be replaced by a judging stare, and a vacant smile when topics are just too boring? Thinking back, it almost seems like they were always there. They just seem much more present now. They almost seem to be taking over her entire being, not to mention mine. Watching her take someone aside from our general conversation to talk about something that she feels she has to share away from my ears honestly hurts a little. Whenever we are four, i always have someone to fall back onto when she starts pairing up. But once that number is reduced to three, I am reduced to simply following behind while they chatter away, secretly, yet in front of me.
The problem with all this is, I can no longer be myself. I have gotten to a point where I feel like she has to introduce a subject sometimes in order for me to be able to talk about it. What used to be free banter is a constant battle against myself to keep my cool and not go overboard with my stories and facts to share. Maybe I should have seen the signs. Maybe I have always been this annoying person, and she has just gotten so tired of it that she can no longer pretend. But, maybe she has just changed her mind a little, and no longer thinks the same of me. I would never wish to give her up as a friend, because she is a good friend, and when looking back, I see many happy memories with her. But, she still manages to make me feel excluded in a place that I called home. Within my friend group, I felt safe and free to be myself, something that seems to be quickly dissapearing from my grasp...
xoxoxo,
loulou
