It has been way too long.

I don't even know if anyone else is actually going to read this but I need to put this out there even for just my own sanity.
It's been over a year since my last post and I don't want that to be the case anymore. Since the beginning of this year (2013) I made a new years resolution to write in a journal everyday. And so far it's been pretty successful, Ive only forgotten once or twice (or four times but shhh) but a topic that has come up a few times since the beginning of the year has been the topic of going back to this blog.

I'm not gonna lie, I've really missed this. Not only all the friends I made on here that I sort of kind of, well, abandoned... Not just them, but just the feel of blogger. One of the main reasons I went on here less is because I got a Tumblr (we won't go into that...) but it's also cause I thought I had gotten bored of this layout and needed something new (like tumblr) and while I still use tumblr, I really miss my online journal. Because that is what this is. And since I'm already writing a journal every day, why not have an online one as well? So, here is what I thought. I've been wanting to get back on this blog for a while now, somehting like 6 months, I've just never done it. (cause I'm lazy and easily distracted and I'm also terrified. I really am. I don't know how people are going to react to this or if anyone is and I don't know how I'm gonna react, but life is about taking controlled risks isn't it? This is my risk) however today is the day I go back to this blog, that was a really big part of me for something like two years give or take a few weeks.

With the new school year approaching (only two more until I'm done with High School) I thought now would be a nice time to start again , since I didn't start at the new years like I was planning on doing at first. I am definitely not going to write everyday (or at least not for a while at the beginning), But I never did that. Instead, I'm going to try to write something about once a week, if I have anything interesting to say it might be a long post, or it might be twice or even thrice in one week, and some weeks might be just one sentence posts saying not much has changed, but I think this will do me some good.

I think of this especially for the future. I want to be able to look back on this blog and think "I'm so glad I did this, I made a few friends and had a great way of keeping track of it all and now I have it here forever to cringe and cry and laugh at. I'm already feeling sentimental and also slightly worried at the things I wrote two years ago. (wow I was a strange person when I was younger, though not much has changed, just the ways in which I express my strangeness I guess) So, sometime this week, hopefully today if I have the courage, I'm giving this blog a new makeover! A brand new look and a new URL for an old blog filled with old memories. It seems fitting as a new start! At least it does to me.

I don't know what will come of this do over of sorts, or how long it will last, but I hope it's a while, and I hope it's a lovely ride, because I will always look back on these years fondly, and I just hope I have many fond years to look back on.

To new beginnings
xoxo
Loulou
(I think this is how I signed off before? Or maybe the writing was pink?)

The curtain falls

So opening night. Five months of three rehearsals a day, balanced with the regulated 2-3 hours of homework and the problem of the ever distracting internet. This, coupled with long days spent repeating the same few sentences over and over again until they are branded into our minds is what makes up the life of your average school attending actor. And then, after five months of infernal struggles only understandable to the average adolescent, it all comes down to 2, maybe 3 nights. 2 nights where you let yourself go. All the fear that was felt, all the pain that happened in your life, all the insults thrown at you, all the jokes made: those all disappear. The butterflies in your stomach the day of eat up all these insecurities, the pounds of foundation and eye liner hid you fears and you are born anew.
The atmosphere backstage is filled with electricity. People buzzing about, adjusting an earring here, a strand of hair there. Suddenly, surrounded by all these wonderfully talented people, it's no longer just you, but it isnt a group either. It is a family, the cast of a show that may be done once, or 100 times. Either way, these people will never all be the same way in the same room ever again. They will never be in exactly the same mindset as they are right now. You will never share

*Edit* again, another unfinished post (for whatever reason) and another theatre one. I guess you see where my priorities are at! I honestly don't know what play this is for, but it always applies. And hey, the more posts the merrier!

Shaking hands and nervous laughter

So... I'm back. It's been a while old friend. It's nice to know you are still here when I need someone to talk to, in internet form I guess? Basically, thank you for still being here blog. It's nice to know two and a half years of my life will always stay in my memory. And yes, I know I am currently talking to a webpage that is basically what I have shaped it to be, but I'm having a moment okay?

Because really, what else can we control in life? Not much, I can tell you that. So when you find something you can shape, and change, and be proud of, then by all means do that. So if I decide that this blog, that I was proud of until I sadly stopped posting, deserves to be talked to, then I shall talk to it. Don't listen to others old friend, I'm proud of you, just not what I have done lately. But fear not, I have a story to tell you, one I believe you will enjoy.

I had my first audition of my High School career today. The play this year is the Laramie Project and I'm very excited to see what our director has in store for us. But I cannot handle these auditions. I am personally not nervous, I guess. But it's just my school has quite a good theater program and

*Edit* I don't know why this was never posted but this proves that I did try to get back on this blog ever so often and that makes me a little happier. I'll just publish this as is I guess. This is from September or October 2012, not so sure anymore. But hey, better late than never!

The future

The future. Something that can never really be attained; as we can only live in the present.
Yet why does it preoccupy me so much? Why is it that this intangible thing seems to decide to come out and haunt me in the early hours of the night?
The problem with the future, from my point of view, is the uncertainty of it all. That no matter how well you plan your escape into the adult world, you have to let the world move forward as it sees fit. That is what bothers me the most. Because, being who I am, I already have a very detailed idea of what I WANT my future to be. I just wish we could get the future without having to give up things. Or having to face all the uknown...
SIGH...

xoxoxo,
Loulou

Apparently I'm doing this again...

Reaching a boiling point

I think I have found the limit of how much I can be myself around my friends while notfeeling out of place or awkward. There is always that one time when I cant even feel or think like myself because I feel like it is all too much for them. And the hardest part is that, there are different limits for different people.  I mean, it's never just  the same. I always have to be on my toes to make sure I don't step over a line, so that I don't risk being barked at, or ignored. I think that is the worst part. Being ignored by people you care about, and people who usually care about you. The solitude you feel while still being surounded by a multitide of faces is almost surreal, yet no one can deny it isn't present. The cold feeling you get in a warm room. The despair you feel when they are just a little out of reach, just a few centimeters too far. My actions seem to cause that. Recently, I have been noticing a decline in interest in topics that, up until that point, had kept everyone talking. We would converse, share opinions, basically communicate in everyway human beings can. So why is it that now, I find these conversations to be less free and safe, and more about having to choose my words carefully, in the hope that no one misinterprets what I am trying to say? When did the joy of company leave, only to be replaced by a judging stare, and a vacant smile when topics are just too boring? Thinking back, it almost seems like they were always there. They just seem much more present now. They almost seem to be taking over her entire being, not to mention mine. Watching her take someone aside from our general conversation to talk about something that she feels she has to share away from my ears honestly hurts a little. Whenever we are four, i always have someone to fall back onto when she starts pairing up. But once that number is reduced to three, I am reduced to simply following behind while they chatter away, secretly, yet in front of me.
The problem with all this is, I can no longer be myself. I have gotten to a point where I feel like she has to introduce a subject sometimes in order for me to be able to talk about it. What used to be free banter is a constant battle against myself to keep my cool and not go overboard with my stories and facts to share. Maybe I should have seen the signs. Maybe I have always been this annoying person, and she has just gotten so tired of it that she can no longer pretend. But, maybe she has just changed her mind a little, and no longer thinks the same of me. I would never wish to give her up as a friend, because she is a good friend, and when looking back, I see many happy memories with her. But, she still manages to make me feel excluded in a place that I called home. Within my friend group, I felt safe and free to be myself, something that seems to be quickly dissapearing from my grasp...

xoxoxo,
loulou

500 words later...

So I'm done. I have written my essay. It's about creativity, if anyone was curious. And that's that. I dont even want to look at it with a critical eye anymore because I am sure that ill end up chaning it and that is never good. At least not for me. Im the kind of person who changes their answer on a T/F question only to find their first answer was correct. Anyways, thats it. 500 words. Exactly too. I didnt think I could do it. Write about myself meaningfully in 250-500 words. Yet there they are. 500 words that i wrote in 20 minutes. Yes, 20 minutes for my first draft. Because that is all the is required according to my teacher. She said that the thruth is shown most when people are under pressure. And she said that we should think of a question to answer, then pretend that it was an essay question in the SAT Tests. and so I did just that. I went home and I turned on the stopwatch and I gave myself twenty minutes and then I wrote about Creativity. For 20 minutes i let my mind take control of my hands. And the result was a 518 word essay. Which with a little editing and cutting became a 500 word essay. And i dont even know what to think. But I'm done. And what a relief that is. I just have to wait for feedback from my teacher and then ill be over this. For about a year. Because god know college essays will come back to haunt me. They will until the day i recieve a letter telling me that mine was good enough. And who knows what'll have changed when that day comes, if it does. All i wanted to say was that I am so happy it is over. And i am so happy it took me 20 minutes. Because any more time would have been time wasted on ruining something that was as good and as truthful as it got. And honestly this post makes no sense but I am stuck in writing mode and I just felt like blogging. Hope i haven't bored anyone. Love you all

xoxoxo,
loulou

The Future, filled with uncertainty, is honestly just really scaring me.

So Im sitting here reading my samples for different college essay, and honestly, I am freaking out a little. I mean, I don’t have to apply for another two and a half to three years. And we are learning to write our college essays now. I can’t shake this scared feeling. Honestly I am probably over reacting. But I mean really, what makes the difference between being accepted and being rejected? This little 250-500 word essay that can be about anything, anything at all. I know there are questionnaires, and grades, and application forms. But from what my teacher was telling me yesterday, this is the most important part. It gives a chance to the administrators to see you for what you truly are, and you have 500 words to paint a picture of yourself. What if that isn’t enough? What if you need 1000 words to paint your picture? What if I can’t paint one at all? I have always enjoyed writing, and dare I say it, been proud of it, at least in school terms. So then why is it that this short essay scares me? Could it be the nature of the essay? These essays are all about truth, understanding what we really are inside. Yet I have always found it much easier to write fiction. I guess this is where blogging comes in handy. 

*Wow. I hadn’t yet posted this and it has now been almost a full day. I can honestly say it felt really good to get this off my chest.

xoxoxo

loulou 

Speeches.

Currently practicing my speech. Well I should but I can't bring myself to try and convince others that the performing arts are vital to any school society when I realise that today, I experienced my last Advanced Drama performace course. I swear a small part of me has died. I do not enjoy the lack of acting, but the alternative, being Intro to Theatre as assitant director, is not bad at all. I think its just the fact that my mindset has changed and my outlook on theatre is still the same. Theatre is still the blood in my veins, singing is the air in my lungs. (And just FYI, Darren is the spark in my heart while Chris is my creative thought and Adam is my psychology.) But it all seems different now, because I can not continue to do it. I already regret quitting Choir a few years ago to take up Clarinet lessons, and now I have to give up on my acting classes. And this isnt even my choice. At least I still have drama to look forward to. But I am sure it is gonna be fine. I really should practice my speech though.
Xoxoxo,
Loulou

Little symbols go a long way

Well, this is strange. It's only been five days and I'm blogging again! I guess I really can't stay away. Currently sitting here, Darren criss cross on my bed, surrounded by numerous posters, pictures, drawings and symbols for Darren. And I can't help but think about symbols. I mean, seeing as I enjoy writing I try to add symbols in my writing but boy is it hard to come up with good ones. And the problem is that currently my eyes are a little watery from the song that has decided to resonate within my ears. But this is not very new. Well I have kinda lost where this post was going. As you can see I am still very good at blogging... Right, symbols. They are everywhere and are open to interpretation. They can represent anything and they can BE anything. So then I wonder to myself is it normal that the little minute maid apple juice box that is taped to my wall makes me happy. Most people would say no. But most people aren't me. I am me. And I have decided that the carton of juice will make me happy. And I think that these little symbols go a long way. I swear this box has the power to cheer me up, and that is all I need right now. I don't even think this counts as a post, and I swear it sucks. But it gets my point across so yeah. Bye guys. Xoxoxo Loulou

Wow, 2012 already

I can't believe I haven't posted in over two months... I kinda feel bad. I used to love blogging. I guess things change. What's weird is that I still enjoy it. I guess just not as much. But I have decided to keep this blog, to use it whenever I want to, or whenever I need to. To vent, like now. Because I'm pretty sure no one cares, and that is totally fine by me, but today my idol, Darren criss, is making his broadway debut. And I have been freaking out. And I will admit that I have cried over 5 times today. Maybe even 10 times. All because of one amazing man making his dreams come true. So here is my venting: Okay well in one hour and twenty minutes Darren Criss is on broadway ... I can't right now... You do not know how many times I have cried today. Like I know sometimes we joke about like hating Darren cause he is perfect and everything but...... I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. I mean sometimes it physically pains me. After I saw the video he posted about being backstage I felt uneasy. Like I had physical pains to my stomach. They were like butterflies in my stomach, but the butterflies were carrying little knifes that they enjoyed cutting me with. Now I kinda need a picture of a butterfly with a knife. And now Darren is about to cry into my earphones because teenage dream just means so much to him. Like he means so much to us. And I do not understand how I used to live. I mean what the hell used to make me smile? Because nothing makes me smile more than Darren. And, I am already crying, and the song has only been playing for 52 seconds. I don't not think this is normal. And his voice is already faltering. I just really need to hug someone right now, preferably Darren or Chris or you. Speaking of Chris, I really and truly love him, so very very much. But he isn't Darren. I am incredibly proud of Chris and OMG DARREN IS CRYING... But yes I am also incredibly proud of Chris but I don't know. He just hasn't inspired me as much as Darren. I mean he has made me want to write a book but you know, thats more like a side project. Whereas Darren makes me want to write music, write plays and musicals, be a goofball, love Harry potter, be myself, reach for my dreams, have no shame, not be afraid to try. Basically Darren is pushing me to be a better person. And both Darren and Chris have taught me about LGBTQ youth and how mistreated they are, because I was never really exposed to this. They basically introduced me to the Trevor Project. Like I had heard about it but I didn't actually know what it was. But they both showed me what it was and how amazing it is and how unfairly people are treated because of something as unimportant as their sexuality. It's like treating someone badly because of their hair or eye or skin color. (Oh wait... That also happens.... I don't like this aspect of the planet...) but anyways I guess back to Darren. I just do not understand what my life was like before him. I mean honestly. Wtf did I used to do with my life. I'm pretty sure I just sat on Facebook all day. Well I do not regret the day I decided to go onto tumblr. I do not regret the day I decided to discover more about Blaine Anderson, and eventually discover more about that Darren guy who plays him, and discover more about the theatre group that he co-founded, and more about the different plays and actors and their side projects and my whole life has been amazing since then. I swear now the littlest thing can make me happy. Like seeing the numbers 36 or 47. That shouldn't make me happy, yet it does. Seeing Darren or Chris, or even Adam for that matter, makes me happy. Speaking of Adam, I think he deserves more credit from me. He was the first celebrity I was obsessed with, I mean before Darren took over my life. I used to do what I do with darren but with Adam. Except back then I didn't have tumblr. But I would literally listen to owl city and glee all day. Now just add Darren criss and starkid onto that and you have my life in the present. No but seriously, Adam was actually probably the first person to get me hooked onto songwriting. Darren just reinforced that. Plus meeting Adam proved to me that he is genuinely a nice person and shows that there are still humble people in the world. It was honestly a great experience and I just wish it could happen. And now there is only one hour left till Darren makes his Broadway debut. I am so proud and I hope darren knows how proud all of his fans are.  It feels so good to get that off my chest! And I hope that I will remember this blog. So that maybe in 10-20 years I will go back and see what made me laugh, cry, smile... Back when I was a young and carefree teenager too busy complaining about school to know that these are probably some of the best years of all of our lives. So I leave you with a hopefully short farewell, and only 50 minutes left until Darren criss goes from YouTube sensation to Broadway star... (this should be in pink but Im on my phone) Xoxoxo, Loulou